Everlasting Feelings
I am wishing on stars that are burning out before my eyes just to realize that those gaslights are nothing more than frozen rocks circling the earth now. How do you still believe in magic when logic breaks it to pieces inevitably? How do you still believe in yourself when you can't even make up your mind half the time?
I find it hard to organize my own mind when I want so much and have so little but can't complain because I've lived through worse and it's been hard like this my whole life.
My heart knows no bounds, it makes it own decisions whether I like it or not. It picks who and when it wants to fall and it will never let go even if I don't see the soul for years. I have only found a few souls I have this connection with within this life so far, an instant knowing, a feeling of familiar. It took me 16 years to move on from one and just when I thought I wouldn't ever feel like this again it slapped me in the face and I have not been the same. I have tried to push it away, tried to forget and drownd the idea of it but no matter what this feeling comes back to the surface, consumes my thoughts and clouds my mind. Everything is you, and I know I can't have you so it's moot.
I am healing. I am learning how to trust again, although I do not fully know if I am able to at all. I am trying to accept the happiness I am supposed to be living in and yet it feels so grey to me. Why is it so impossible to just flow and just be however I want to be? Why can't everyone be as accepting of uncommon ideas like me? I feel like I was meant to live in another time, like the Vikings and just accept when my heart wants to hold on as a sign from the Gods and nothing else could possibly be the reason. I refuse to hurt people I care about, for no good reason, and to me, a good reason is such a grey area. I can handle so much hurt it takes a morally wrong thing to really make me look away from someone. Sometimes I wish I could be two people at once and all my problems would be solved.
One day, one moment and one sigh at a time. I will move through the motions and figure out what is best for me- What I really WANT and NEED. All the while you sit in the back of my mind, and for now, that is simply alright.
New Beginnings at hand?
A new year opens a new chapter in my mind & life. So very much has happened over the past year it's hard to describe. I have grown so much in this time. I made mistakes, I let things slide I should have never allowed in the first place, I fell when I thought that there was no way in hell I would ever fall again. I dusted off my pen and began to write again, oh how thankful I am to have a muse once more. So much more thankful that the muse is not my old friend; darkness but something so much better and worlds more intriguing. I wish only to learn more and experience more of this feeling throughout this year and the ones that follow. Only time will tell and I have accepted being patient is well worth it.
2019 was about rebirth as a person. It was painful, messy, gross and at times amazing but it was just as life is when it begins a hell of a whirlwind and I am so glad to be past it now. Each day brings a new dawn and a new chance to shine bright as the sun, but I will never forget the sunsets eventually and I will too see some darkness from time to time.
This year is all about finding my way, walking the path before me barefoot and feeling the ground give way. 2020 is about growing. I will grow into the person I wish to be and all I can do is hope that I don't set fire to everything around me in the process.
Another Teary Day
Is it anger, or irritation?
Does it ever finish or will this be my everlasting emotions…
Is it sadness or being lonely?
Even with the ones who should make me feel whole I feel so far out of reach, so low on their list of priority.
Is it happiness or a mask?
To be completely honest the line is so blurry I can’t tell myself or maybe I’m so used to pretending I just do it so well…
My eye swell with tears, you obviously don’t understand that the anger is really just fear. I can’t even make sense of the words in my head. It feels like everyone is laughing at me like I am in my own personal hell.
I can’t count the times I have wiped tears from my eyes pretending I am alright but each day it gets harder and harder to hide.
Change my focus and maybe it will be alright but I can’t escape the thoughts the endless whispers inside my mind wishing I would end this torturous life.
Is it only me who cares or do you even give me a moment in your mind?
Every moment of my life I live to make others happy, I focus on anyone else because it’s so hard to focus on me. I never get the same in return and maybe I should simply learn no one will have the same heart as me but damn if someone told me to try I know sure as hell I would die trying to show them they were the only thing important to me…yet I hate being me.
Goodbye 2018.
Its like two worlds that were so different came to a fork...you picked the side i ran towards. Now everything seems to be just as it should be. I cant possibly deny, this is our life.
Many years before it was just me. Fighting for a love i thought was endless, but the building called to my soul for some reason. Became obsessed over the beauty, maybe it was my past life calling me. Had no clue while i sat and fought miles away you were there in person enjoying every moment. Many years of disconnect but always loved that damn building even after they took the whole thing minus 5% the facade, made condos and ruined history.
Many years later i found your face on Okcupid. Something in your eyes told me to give it a try, real conversation- perfect intuition. Met you and once i saw your tattoo, was a simple question that sparked eternity. Now somehow everything points my soul back to you, to our one thing in common. Our endless love for something so physical yet displaced in our current time. Seems like no matter where we go, that one thing follows us and happens to remind me of home.
Many years to come for us to uncover more stories that strangely fall into the same head space and bring us back to that once standing miracle of a building. Many pages to fill with silly things we find to add to this ever growing story of our fate together, this foundation we built that cant be broken. Because honestly who else in this world could ever understand something like this, the way you and I do?
You will forever be my Asylum <3
The Silent Inside, me.
Written on July 24th 2018